Page 20 of 49

Flanders: When we started making money,
Swann: When we started making friends,
Both: We found a home as soon as we were able to.

Flanders: We bought this bijou residence for about a thousand more,
Than the house our little house was once the stable to.

Swann: With charm…
Flanders: Colour values…
Swann: Wit…
Flanders: And structural alteration,
Both: Now designed for graceful living,
It has quite a reputation.

We’re terribly House and Garden,
At number seven-B.
We live in a most amusing muse,
Ever so very contemporary.

We’re terribly House and Garden,
The money that one spends.
To make a place that won’t disgrace,
Our House and Garden friends.

We’ve planned an uninhibited interior decor,
Swann: Curtains made of straw…
Flanders: We’ve wallpapered the floor…
Both: We don’t know if we like it, but at least we can be sure,
There’s no place like Home Sweet Home.

It’s fearfully Maison Jardin,
At number seven-B.
We’ve rediscovered the chandelier,
Tres tres very contemporary.

We’re terribly House and Garden,
Now at last we’ve got the chance.
Swann: The garden’s full of furniture…
Flanders: And the house is full of plants!

Both: It doesn’t make for comfort,
But it simply has to be.
‘Cause we’re ever so terribly up-to-date,
Contemp-or-ar-or-y!

Flanders: Have you a home that cries out to your every visitor,
“Here lives someone who is exciting to know”?

No?

Well, why not… collect those little metal bottle-tops, and nail them upside-down to the floor? This will give the sensation… of walking… on little metal bottle-tops turned upside-down.

Why not… get hold of an ordinary Northumbrian spokeshaver’s coracle? Paint it in contrasting stripes of, say, telephone black and white white, and hang it up in the hall for a guitar tidy for parties.

Why not… drop in one evening for a mess of pottage? Our speciality, just aubergine and carnation petals. With a six-shilling bottle of Mielle du Pap, a feast fit for a king.

I’m delirious about our new cooker fitment with the eye-level grille. This means that without my having to bend down, the hot fat can squirt straight into my eyes!

Both: We’re frightfully House and Garden,
At number seven-B,
The walls are patterned with shrunken heads,
Ever so very contemporary.

Swann: Our boudoir on the open plan has been a huge success…
Flanders: Though everywhere’s so open, there’s nowhere safe to dress!

Both: With little screens, and bottle lamps,
And motifs here and there.
Swann: Mobiles in the air…
Flanders: Ivy everywhere!
Both: You mustn’t be surprised to meet a cactus on the stair,
But we call it Home Sweet Home.

We’re terribly House and Garden,
As I think we’ve said before.
But though seven-B is madly gay,
It wouldn’t do for every day,
We actually live in seven-A,
In the house next door!